The Magic of Change
(*My favorite version of one of my favorite love songs)
“It won't be long before another day, we gonna’ have a good time. And no one's gonna’ take that time away. You can stay as long as you like.”
~James Taylor
Sometimes, the Universe just has another plan for you, right? You think you’re “fine” going along one way, but then literally out of the blue—wham! You’re “nudged” or cajoled to go in another direction, or to at least consider the possible good that can come from starting down a path that’s different than the one you’ve been on.
Here’s an example. For years now I have been on the move, never staying in one place for more than 2-3 weeks at a time. I’ve continued saying to myself, “What’s the big deal? I have a gypsy soul!"
My go-to line with men was always, “You don’t want to date me, trust me.” And of course since I wouldn’t stick around long enough to go on more than a couple of dates, there wasn’t a chance in hell any type of long-term relationship was going to happen. In other words, subconsciously, I was doing an amazing job of being unavailable.
Looking back, I had zero desire to commit to anyone, to let anyone in. I found contentment being intoxicated with the sky, the trees, with God. No one seemed to compare to the feeling I would get being alone or walking in nature. There, the rush of love and excitement I’d get would hit me like a hurricane and draw me in like a drug. Silence became my lover and the earth my closest confidant.
I would listen to the woes of my friends and their dating adventures and wonder why anyone would do that to themselves.
Why would you knowingly bring drama into your life? Why would you want to deal with other people’s issues, when you could soar on your own and live a life of total freedom?
Then “the shift” started creeping in.
Slowly I started thinking about what it would be like to have a family, to come home to someone, to let someone love me. These thoughts felt very familiar to me. Remembering what it was like to cook dinner with someone, share a bottle of red, listen to some tunes . . . and just be. Together.
Uh oh, I knew what this meant. I had been down this road before—a change was gonna’ come.
The desire to get myself an out-of-the-way place to put down some roots and know the security of home started to fill my thoughts. To actually stop moving and just live. To fall madly in love. But there was something I had to face up to. “Holy shit,” I whispered to myself. “I can’t make this train stop.”
As I leaned into what was happening, my heart began cracking open and light slowly started pouring in.
My dreams of walking this earth alone and answering to no one seemed to be drifting away.
How? Why? What’s happening to me??
Waking up to my emotions and really paying attention to them feels like being a teenager again. (How’s that for a change?) Everything feels fresh and pure. I can look into another person’s eyes and be totally present. A kiss makes my knees buckle. My ability to love is once again morphing into another beautiful form, coming from a space that feels complete.
See, I’ve always had boyfriends, but this time around feels very different. I suppose it’s because, since I learned to meditate, I’ve actually taken the time to get to know myself and become at peace with the world around me.
And this change seems to have made all the difference.
Change can come in all forms, but major transformations can be confusing and at times downright scary. This odyssey of mine has been liberating, mind-boggling and enlightening . . . and interestingly enough, I can feel another wave coming.
Even when things get to be too much, even through tears fueled by the unknown, I’ve taught myself how to ride it out, to go with the flow. This time will be no different.
If you get stuck between the moon and New York City, the best that you can do is fall in love.” ~Christopher Cross
I have tried to fight it, I have cried out like a wolf, “Please don’t pull me back to the earth—let me live in the stars!” It seems, though, God has other plans for me.
The profound and meaningful relationship I had with my mom trained me to use my spiritual intuition to know who can “see” me and who can’t. Now walking into this next phase of my life, I know almost instantly who I can spend time with. There’s an immediate depth that arises with such people, because of my following this gut reaction I have to the humans around me. I can feel them . . . and I can feel all the love in them. This experience is humbling, to say the least.
Like everything else that’s come my way, this metamorphosis seemed to fall out of the sky. Once again, I’ve been blindsided by the ways of the cosmos.
"The moon is slowly rising and I'm still here, slow-dancing my way into the magic of change. "
However, here’s to new beginnings, to new adventures and to new loves. As puzzling and as mystifying as all of this has been, it’s my journey. My story. And I wouldn’t change it for anything.
The moon is slowly rising and I'm still here, slow-dancing my way into the magic of change.